Meetings with loved ones in new year holidays are not always pleasant - sometimes parents of already adult and independent children, coming to visit, bring tension and conflicts into their home. What to do - not communicate with relatives? Or try to change the existing relationship once and for all - even if it takes a few holidays?
Sveta, 28 years old, complained of headache. She came to me as a psychoneurologist and did not intend to focus on intra-family relationships. But soon we started talking about Sveta and her mother.
Mom is 54 years old, she works as a school director in another city and visits her daughter from time to time. Their relationship is very tense. Now she has been visiting her daughter for the third day, babysitting her granddaughter.
According to Sveta, her mother interferes in the affairs of her own family and criticizes her son-in-law and daughter. Mom’s character is difficult; you can’t escape her advice. With her appearance, the atmosphere in the house becomes tense to the limit.
There is no point in going through the list of disagreements between Sveta and mom. The real problem of Sveta sitting in front of me is her struggle for independence from her mother. Sveta is fighting with her mother for the right to be unique, inimitable, to be herself, to succeed as a mother and to feel valuable and significant. The fight drags on for a long time and exhausts both sides.
I asked Sveta:
- Why don’t you talk to your mother about issues that are important to you?
I don't know, I think I'm afraid of her.
- Can you explain to your mother your intentions and motives?
- Well, maybe like this: “I do this with my child because I am convinced that this is exactly what he needs.”
My mom won't listen to anything. This will only make matters worse. I've already explained it to her a thousand times, and it's all useless.
- Can you be firm and clearly state that you don’t need her advice, remind you that you are already 28 years old?
Should I say that I don't need her advice? What are you talking about? This will kill my mother.
- Then you're lucky that she lives far away.
Yes, I love my mother, but I couldn’t stand her constant presence.
“And yet I don’t understand why you don’t tell her about your love and ask her to interfere less in your life.”
Oh, you don't know my mother!
Sounds familiar, doesn't it? When emotional tension in a family reaches a high level, most of us place full responsibility for a bad relationship on another family member. These others - mom, dad, sister, brother, husband - don’t hear us, don’t help us, etc. It is others who do not want to change relationships for the better, but we... What, exactly, are we doing for this?
We are only afraid, indignant, and finally crying. We live in an atmosphere of highly charged feelings and cultivate them. Feelings are an important part of our lives, but while we are in such a heated state, we are easier to manipulate. It would be good to start by at least not cultivating your extreme emotions and using your mind to stop and think about what is happening.
Is it possible to change my relationship with my mother?
I usually use this tactic during consultations. First, I allow the client to express her emotions, then I confirm their relevance in her situation (“Yes, yes, this is really hard, I don’t know if it’s possible to feel differently in your situation”). I express my sympathy (“You really are in difficult circumstances now. It’s fortunate that you have the strength to endure all this”).
Meanwhile, the client calms down, the tears (they often flow in the psychotherapist’s office, and that’s good!) dry up. What happened? And something very important happened. I call this emotional sobering up. Now “sober” the client turns on her mind.
Four meetings with a psychotherapist had the following result for Sveta. She came to the conclusion that trying to change her mother, to prove that she was wrong, was a dead end. The desired result will not happen.
We have reformulated the goal. Sveta’s task is not to change her mother, but to establish a healthier relationship with her. The problem, as is usually the case, is not bad people, but the unproductive rules they use to communicate.
Sveta also learned that her relationship with her mother affects her relationship with her husband and daughter. If Sveta does not gain the independence she desires, the relationship with her daughter in the future will either be as tense as Sveta’s with her mother, or detached - mother and daughter can keep an emotional distance, hiding behind a veil of politeness.
By the next visit of her mother, Sveta was ready to start a new relationship, but emotionally this task turned out to be so difficult that the young woman could not find the words out of excitement when she recounted the next scene to me.
By the third day of my mother’s stay, the atmosphere had become tense to a certain level. She criticized her daughter for not managing her money correctly, and her son-in-law got it for not fixing the fence at the dacha. She noted with displeasure that her granddaughter “is dressed in synthetics, and this is harmful to health,” and gave her a dress made of cotton fabric, which she sewed with her own hands.
Sveta didn’t like the dress and forgot to thank her mother. Mom noted offendedly that her help was not appreciated here. Sveta and mom were already ready to go sulky to their corners, but this time Sveta pushed the grievances aside (resentment is a non-constructive emotion) and applied new tactics.
She calmly listened to all her mother’s comments. Basically, she talked about what not to do with a child, what to wear. The advice is correct, there is nothing to argue here, but in my mother’s voice I could hear barely suppressed anger. Sveta’s voice was calm and confident (but how difficult it was for her!):
Mom, I highly appreciate your concern for Anya. I know how important it is for you that your granddaughter is well-groomed. But there is something very important to me. And I want to tell you about this... - Here Sveta paused, she felt fear, but continued: - You see, mom, Anya is my daughter. I put a lot of effort into being a good mother. It is very important for me to realize that what I do for my child is good for him. I know that sometimes I make mistakes. I admit that you are a thousand times right that a chintz dress is better than a synthetic suit. But now I need to establish that I can care for my child the way I understand care. This is important for both me and Anechka. I need to make sure that I am a good and reasonable mother. Help me with this.
Every time I experience a bitter feeling when you, mother, explain how to treat my child, or take matters into your own hands. Then it seems to me that I don’t know how to do anything, I can’t do anything right. This prevents me from feeling like an adult. Sometimes, in irritation, I want to ask you if you think I’m stupid.
After this there was deathly silence. The mother looked depressed and was about to burst into indignation. It was as if it was written on her face: “How is this possible? Eggs don’t teach a chicken!”
Sveta felt as if she had stabbed her mother with a knife in her heart. She felt pain, guilt, anxiety... Then she heard her mother’s voice, familiar notes of anger and irritation:
I cannot calmly watch a child suffer. And I feel that it is my duty to intervene and protect him. If you don’t understand the simplest things, what can I talk to you about?..
Mom, I'm not sure you heard me. I didn’t say that I was right about Anechka. I'm probably making mistakes in raising her. But I talked about how important it is for me to feel that I am doing for the child what is best for him. I struggle desperately to feel confident as a mother. You've been a mother four times. Help me feel that I am doing the right thing with my child.
Sveta felt that her mother was becoming more and more tense. Anger began to bubble inside her several times, but she did not allow herself to be drawn into the usual struggle. She kept emphasizing that she was trying not to criticize her mother, not to devalue her advice, but was only sharing with her what she herself felt and what she, Sveta, wanted.
Separation of a daughter from her mother: why is it so difficult?
At the end of the conversation, Sveta was exhausted to the limit and close to fainting. Her condition is called in scientific terms "separation anxiety." For the first time, she really (not physically, but psychologically) left her parents’ home and separated from her mother. Separating from parents or other people with whom addiction binds us is often very painful, but I do not know any other way to freedom.
Sveta needs independence in order to feel like a separate and different woman from her mother. This does not mean at all that the relationship with my mother is now broken, that they are no longer close to each other. In conditions of independence, Sveta still remains a loving daughter, but acquires a completely different sense of herself.
We continued to work with Sveta. She began to understand how her mother felt and why she resisted so strongly.
The main feeling that a mother experiences when her daughter is separated is a feeling of rejection. A terribly painful feeling that, by the way, lies at the foundation of any addiction or codependency. The person is in pain, anxious, uncomfortable. Changes pose a threat to the usual way of life.
Naturally, the mother will do everything possible to ensure that nothing changes in the relationship with her daughter. There are many ways in a mother's arsenal. The main thing is to make Sveta feel guilty for having the audacity to talk to her mother like that. Mom, with her behavior, sends a signal to Sveta: “Now return to your previous situation. Let everything remain as it was.”
That’s why the first time she “didn’t hear” the meaning of Sveta’s words, the second time she accused her of ingratitude, and the third time she brought up a compelling argument for her competence: she is the mother of four children and has been raising her children at school all her life. All these demarches are dictated by the fear of rejection, the fear of losing that important connection with her daughter, without which the mother does not feel like a complete and self-sufficient person.
Instead of conflicts - heart-to-heart conversations
The one who begins to change something is responsible for establishing emotional intimacy at a new level. And the anxiety of the department is treated precisely by emotional closeness. Sitting in corners in silence cannot help you achieve the main goal - establishing a new healthy relationship.
And Sveta took on this responsibility. She asked her mother about the relationship with her mother, Sveta. She asked what her mother was interested in, what her life was filled with, who she communicated with, what she did every day.
Asking relatives about their past and being interested in their current lives is the best way to maintain emotional intimacy. Sveta learned a lot of new and important things for herself and about herself. Previously, my mother gave advice and it was assumed that Sveta received it. Now for the first time they exchanged feelings. By the way, Sveta’s headache went away. The relationship with my mother became warmer.
When a person achieves a certain degree of independence in the parental family, this necessarily has a positive effect on all other relationships that are important to him. If we are stuck in conflict with our mother or with our father, how can we create new attachments?
It turns out that in order to become a good mother, you must first complete affairs in the parental family, separate from your parents psychologically, and not just geographically. To separate, you need to accept your parents calmly and no longer be outraged by their mistakes. Then we can accept ourselves, we can become wives and mothers. The same applies to husbands and fathers.
MOTHER CAME TO VISIT ME.
IT’S LIKE THE SUN WAS LIT IN THE HOUSE.
DEAR AND DESIRED MY MOST,
LONG AWAITED, ONLY GUEST.
I WILL SPREAD A SNOW-WHITE TABLECLOTH
BEFORE MY DEAR GUEST,
I BAKED PIES VERY WELL:
HERE WITH LINGONBERRY, AND HERE WITH DRINKED DRINKLES.
I WILL PLACE HER ON THE GODDESS
AND I WILL NOT LET A HAIR FALL.
TO PRAY ON HER AS AN IMAGE.
LOOK ENOUGH, LISTEN TO YOUR FULLEST.
TELL US AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOURSELF,
AND WHAT NEWS YOU BROUGHT.
DO YOU KNOW, YESTERDAY OUR CAT
I WAS WASHING GUESTS ALL DAY.
HOW MUCH SHE HAS AGED,
A NETWORK OF WRINKLES LAYS ON THE FACE:
I'VE BEEN SICK LATELY,
I HAVE JUST COME UP TO THE PORCH.
I DON'T WANT MOM TO CATCH
MY LOOK FILLED WITH PITY,
SHE CAME IN FULL POWER
FIVE SOME YEARS AGO.
GET A REST FROM THE ROAD, DEAR
WHERE WOULD IT BE BETTER FOR YOU TO BED?
AND YOUR PEACE AND PROTECTING YOUR SLEEP,
I WILL WALK ON TIPS.
HAIR STUNNED ON THE PILLOW
A WHITE CLOUD OVER YOUR HEAD.
IN YOUR CHILDHOOD YOU BECOMING WITH A SOFT VOICE,
YOU COVER ME LIKE A WAVE.
YOUR HEART ACHED FOR US,
YOU ARE SORRY FOR EVERYTHING, DEAR.
WHAT SHOULD YOU DO SO YOU DON'T GET OLDER?
OR BRING VODITSIA ALIVE?
BUT I REMEMBER HOW YOU SAID:
"NOT TURNING BACK THE COURSE OF TIME"
AND FOR WHAT LIFE GAVE US-
BOW TO YOU TO THE EARTH.
Reviews
Natalya, a friend sent me your poem today on Odnoklassniki, and in response to her, I wrote about mine, “I Love and Grieve.” Whatever my soul said, that’s what I wrote. I never thought about it, but you helped. Thank you!
The portal Stikhi.ru provides authors with the opportunity to freely publish their literary works on the Internet based on . All copyrights to works belong to the authors and are protected. Reproduction of works is possible only with the consent of its author, which you can contact on his author’s page. Authors bear responsibility for the texts of works independently on the basis
Mom came to visit us for three months. Only three weeks have passed, and the first rather loud bell rang today.
Every year the same thing repeats . Mom arrives - everyone is happy to see each other, there is a feast, conversations, harmless jokes, praises. Some time passes, and the situation changes dramatically.
Now a turning point has occurred. But something trivial happened.The toilet flask in my mother's toilet began to leak . That is, she flushed (sorry), but the water did not stop flowing, continued to flow in a strong stream into the toilet. Poking at the buttons of the drain mechanism did not lead to any result (previously this method worked to stop the water).
Then my mother called (to put it mildly) my husband and pointed out an unacceptable problem in his house. To which the husband decided to joke, but, as happens in the case of a mother, it was quite unsuccessful. He said there was no need to get into the mechanism, then it wouldn’t have broken.
After many years of living together, I know my husband’s “subtle” humor, but my mother still thinks that these are not jokes, but quite serious attacks.
In general, my mother is offended, my husband is at a loss, I’m thinking about how to put out the flaring fire. I approached my husband and asked one single question - why? The answer I received was that I was just joking.
God! Once again on your favorite rake.
Until lunch, my mother did not leave her room until I called her to the table. They began to have dinner in complete silence, and then the husband said, “Please excuse me, I didn’t mean to offend you,” addressing his mother-in-law. Well, she, of course, smiled and became cheerful.
And then, suddenly, she gives out a phrase that I have never heard from her. Here is this phrase: “Do you often stand under an apple tree? " What is this? - I think. And then the mother asks her husband: “Have you ever heard this expression?” The husband says - No. The answer from mom is when it rises....it rises.
Well, here we are! In short, the war has begun. Nobody knows what will happen next. Events can develop in different ways. Hopefully not too aggressive though. And I, as always, will act as a buffer.
Magazine
